I have precious childhood memories of going fishing with my parents and playing football with the neighborhood kids. I was threatened with spankings if I didn't keep up with math, and there was a modest reward for a report card with high scores.

But one of the greatest pleasures of my adulthood is joyful childhood memories. I refuse to rob my kids of that joy.

But having Chinese values in our home keeps me in balance. To some extent, everyone has to be pushed. Even in the US, where we stress encouraging rather than scolding children, it's hard to imagine a successful football coach not pushing his players.

But how hard can a child be pushed before it constitutes abuse? Do high scores prove parents' success? And does the fact that adult daughters and sons remain loyal to the goal of pleasing parents validate child-rearing techniques? I rarely hear a Chinese person say anything negative, even if deserved, about their parents.

I remember a horrifying news story in the US.

A single mother terrorized her daughters. She beat them, forced them into prostitution, and murdered all but one girl. Before the surviving daughter got away, she had been locked in a closet for days without food or water, and had a bullet from her mom's gun in her back. When she was interviewed, viewers were shocked as she revealed how much she still loved her mother and wanted to continue a relationship with her.

I don't hear stories like this in China, but far too many Chinese young people have committed suicide, unable to endure their parents' pressure to score higher on exams. I don't know whether to blame the parents or the system, but something is out of balance.

My wife and I have learned much from each others' cultures. But we aren't trying to raise our kids by Chinese or US standards. We base decisions about schoolwork and discipline on what we feel is best for the kids.

If we happen to disagree, it's never the Chinese way versus the US way. It's just two parents trying to figure out what's good for their kids.

The author is an experienced English teacher in Beijing, author of Here They Come! Are You Ready? mdklaoshi@yahoo.com