Holidays must be boring for the uber-rich. Not just the
"I-own-a-city-block" folks but the kind of rich that warps minds.
If Monday nights mean sipping back gold goblets full of 1787
Chateau Lafite, I'm talking to you. I respect your bulging coffers
and sympathize with your apathy towards vacation time. What's so
special about days off when working means taking stock of your
stocks? Here's some suggestions for any future break from browsing
for countries to buy.
1. Start a religion
If L Ron Hubbard can do it, so can you. You don't have to go as
far as devising a central doctrine, set of beliefs or even a place
of worship - you can just do it from your living room. The beauty
of it is that you can make it as exclusive as you want. No more
praying alongside people you don't like, no more worries about the
afterlife; just invent your own set of scenarios. For example, if
your name is Fred, call your religion Fredolism, or something like
that. Invite your friends around, drink cognac, smoke Cubans and if
anyone says, "hey this is a club, not a religion", boot 'em out on
the street and then gather round and pray to your 500-foot yacht or
something.
2. Make animals praise you
Two words: private aquarium. You may or may not have had the
uncomfortable experience of rubbing shoulders with the great
unwashed while trying to catch a glimpse of a toothless tiger shark
behind glass. If you haven't, you're not missing much. But if
you're worth so much lucre that you can command world leaders to
pick their noses on camera, why don't you build your own aqua-cages
for flipper and his friends? Get Cirque du Soleil to hover on top
of the water and have dolphins, killer whales, or whatever you
like, trained to jump through hoops of fire. Thing is, even animals
respect money, and if they smell it on you they're loyal to you for
life. Nothing tames a cheetah like a thick roll of fresh kuai.
3. Construct a giant chocolate replica of
yourself
You're sweet, and you know it. Now show it to your Fortune 500
buddies or barons, or whoever it is you shoot the breeze with when
you're not hovering above your nickel mines in a chopper. Nothing
says, "hey everybody, look at me; I'm made of chocolate" more than
a 200-foot-high chocolate replica of yourself. Take a leaf out of
that other financial overlord, Willy Wonka's book and enslave an
entire race of small people to make the giant statue. While you're
at it, demand that the help bring you hand-chipped slabs of ice
from the Alps and have them carve ice sculptures of the Houston
Rockets. After you finish your party/orgy/sacrificial ceremony,
order your servants to melt the chocolate in your swimming pool and
pay lingerie models to swim in it, like a human fondue.
And that's just three little things that affluent-types can do
to make the holidays a less pointless affair. After all, you've
worked hard to be the rich dude you are today, and even if you
inherited your wealth, it probably means you have superior genes
anyway.
(China Daily November 7, 2007)
