The young Chinese tourist sat in a Paris Cafe and ordered tea. Twice he asked for more hot water to top it up while putting the saucer on the cup to keep the tea warm, as he would have done at home.
The waiter grew impatient. "This Chinese is too stingy to pay for more tea. And doesn't he know the saucer goes under the cup to catch the drips?"
The Chinese man noticed the displeasure on the waiter's face and lost patience himself. "This Western waiter is really stingy and silly! Why is he so reluctant to serve me hot water? Why does he put the lid under the cup?" he fumed, and left the cafe steaming with resentment.
What went wrong? It was, in fact, nothing more than a common misunderstanding of other people's customs. A failure to understand different customs lead to misunderstanding.
Too Many Questions
A more common example of this clash occurs in China when Westerners complain that the Chinese are nosy and impolite, and feel uneasy with the questions: "Where are you from?" "Where do you work?" "How much do you earn?" "Are you married?" One Westerner has described this question and answer process as a "Laowai (foreigner) Litany." It's not surprising that foreigners in China might feel that Chinese are meddling in their affairs.
But, there are two sides to this coin. During the early days of my European stay, I suffered desperately from loneliness and was shocked by the apparent indifference Westerners showed to each other.
Things changed one day when I volunteered to teach Chinese in a Free Education Association. In this way, I finally had a way to answer questions my students might have to ask, without invading anyone's privacy. I broke the ice and succeeded in making friends thanks to this invasiveness!
Why do Chinese and Westerners have opposite behavior in public and in society? Cultural differences partly explain this. Chinese culture is founded on collectivism. Instead of considering themselves individuals, Chinese are, above all, members of a community.
For Chinese, asking a stranger questions is a normal way to show sympathy and to invite someone to have a friendly conversation.
Western culture is based on individualism. A Westerner sees himself or herself both as an individual and member of a community. Thus any insistence on communicating through questions might be considered annoying.
Whoever you are, be relaxed and polite no matter whether you get intrusive questions or a perfunctory hello.
(China Daily HK Edition September 26, 2002)
