What's the secret for a woman to have an enduring marriage and happy family? Who should be to blame when a marriage breaks down? While sympathy may be generally on the side of heartbroken wives, Chen Yi, an independent Chinese American woman writer, puts forward a bold claim in her fifth book when she declares that: "It's Not Men's Fault."
Her book of the same name prompted a keen reaction from the public following its recent publication. But Chen is not defending men who try to escape their responsibilities in a marriage. She has just written down her thoughts based on different marital stories she has heard and on her interviews and experiences with women. The book shows how she believes women can only acquire their desired happy marriage if they develop a light-hearted understanding of men, rather than a rigid approach to the issue.
In fact, her book can hardly be categorized as a how-to book but is a plain-speaking record compiled by the popular writer on family themes. She shows that she herself has benefited greatly from a series of "quitting" decisions, when over several decades she has elected to stay at home and act the sober role of a wife and mother.
"Women's life is seasonal," said Chen. "Women are different from men, and scheduled to do what they are supposed to do at different times in their lives." As for how to do such things properly and confidently, Chen has concluded that it is "a choice of happiness" involving many concessions. Many years of cross-cultural experiences both in China and the United States have allowed her to approach the issue from a different angle, with a firm belief in one Western saying: "Life begins at 40." But it took the 45-year-old almost two decades to realize that.
Chen said that she had always believed herself to be different from others, and had always expected to have a big future even when she was a child. Thus in 1986 she quit her successful career in a foreign trade enterprise in China when she got the opportunity and finance for further study in the United States. Chen went back into business in the US after she obtained a masters degree there two years later. Thanks to her diligent work and unswerving self-confidence, Chen gradually blazed out a successful professional business career for herself in New York. When she decided to quit her job again in 1998 to start a family, she had risen to management level and was earning a good salary and a lot of respect. "I was quite successful then and it was a brave decision for me to quit," Chen said.
There is no need to describe the sharp contrast in roles, from a respected businesswoman to a housewife, that Chen experienced. For some time, she was not used to the "duty shift" and she would still get up at six as usual to sit in front of the dressing table and get ready to go to the office. "I suddenly remembered that I had no office to go to and the home was my world," she said. After seeing off her husband and children for work and school, Chen would sit down and start to ponder: what am I going to do today? Will I be living like this all the time in future?
Such gloominess lasted for a while until Chen's essay, written about her first love, was awarded a special prize by Sino-Monthly in 1998. This was followed by another of her articles winning the top prize the following year. "Many of my friends thought writing for me would be a hopeless mission. But I focused on my target to follow a simple impulse, and tried to avoid writing one-dimensionally but reflect the diversity of life," she said.
As a woman, she had the unique experience of having lived in two different cultures and having wide contacts with various successful business people. This enabled her to look at family related topics through a "role interchange" perspective, as Chen emphasized in her new book to her readers.
"The meaning that men and women put on giving up their career is different. For a woman the career is herself and the work is her job, which is different from a man's view. For a single woman she can do almost whatever she likes, but for a married woman her life is combined with her job and family," explained Chen. "But most married women are too focused on their jobs and may neglect the importance of family for themselves, especially among Chinese women."
Bearing an audacious title that implies a fawning attitude towards men, the book has proved to be surprisingly popular with female as well as male readers, who both found it resonated with their feelings on the issue. As for the concern of crossing a line and drawing criticism from feminists in today's society, Chen showed her usual calm and optimistic attitude. "I am not a feminist nor am I an apologist for men. I am just myself, a person with good points and shortcomings the same as anybody else. I just want to say that happiness is a choice," said Chen. "I came to discover quite early on that there is no everlasting love in the world, and that a man's career is something of reverence for him. The problem is that some women just don't know what they want," she said.
Having found what she herself wants, Chen now lives a happy and active life after making probably the most important quitting decision she has ever made in her life. The self-financed writer now travels frequently between China and the United States as well as across the China to promote her books in many media interviews. A confident smile often appears on the face of this agile woman, who from time to time thumps the table resolutely during her talk. She is polite to everyone she meets and proudly boasts that she had made a lot of friends who vary greatly in age "not by face", and she seems to enjoy life to her heart's content.
"I seem to have a born optimistic character. If there is something unhappy in life, I will tell myself to smile. I never complain or let the sad mood bother me," said Chen. "I had almost nothing in my 30s. But latereven won't tell people my unhappiness though it's true. I gave up my job and study and I realized that what I gained from my previous experiences were the guarantee of my present life. Just listen to your heart and be an optimist."
The diverse experiences that Chen has accumulated from two different cultures made her quite open-minded about the education of her two children. Differing from Chinese parents who place great expectations on their children, Chen focuses on teaching her children to cherish some basic values such as independence and a grateful attitude as a responsible person.
"We Chinese people are different from Western people. We try to win every battle. Maybe you can win in this battle, but you will probably lose the war in the end. For me, I'll engage in the war," said the eloquent writer, who, in most people's eyes, is likely to be the final winner of the "war" with a clear idea of what she wants.
(China Daily August 22, 2005)
