Holidays must be boring for the uber-rich. Not just the "I-own-a-city-block" folks but the kind of rich that warps minds. If Monday nights mean sipping back gold goblets full of 1787 Chateau Lafite, I'm talking to you. I respect your bulging coffers and sympathize with your apathy towards vacation time. What's so special about days off when working means taking stock of your stocks? Here's some suggestions for any future break from browsing for countries to buy.
1. Start a religion
If L Ron Hubbard can do it, so can you. You don't have to go as far as devising a central doctrine, set of beliefs or even a place of worship - you can just do it from your living room. The beauty of it is that you can make it as exclusive as you want. No more praying alongside people you don't like, no more worries about the afterlife; just invent your own set of scenarios. For example, if your name is Fred, call your religion Fredolism, or something like that. Invite your friends around, drink cognac, smoke Cubans and if anyone says, "hey this is a club, not a religion", boot 'em out on the street and then gather round and pray to your 500-foot yacht or something.
2. Make animals praise you
Two words: private aquarium. You may or may not have had the uncomfortable experience of rubbing shoulders with the great unwashed while trying to catch a glimpse of a toothless tiger shark behind glass. If you haven't, you're not missing much. But if you're worth so much lucre that you can command world leaders to pick their noses on camera, why don't you build your own aqua-cages for flipper and his friends? Get Cirque du Soleil to hover on top of the water and have dolphins, killer whales, or whatever you like, trained to jump through hoops of fire. Thing is, even animals respect money, and if they smell it on you they're loyal to you for life. Nothing tames a cheetah like a thick roll of fresh kuai.
3. Construct a giant chocolate replica of yourself
You're sweet, and you know it. Now show it to your Fortune 500 buddies or barons, or whoever it is you shoot the breeze with when you're not hovering above your nickel mines in a chopper. Nothing says, "hey everybody, look at me; I'm made of chocolate" more than a 200-foot-high chocolate replica of yourself. Take a leaf out of that other financial overlord, Willy Wonka's book and enslave an entire race of small people to make the giant statue. While you're at it, demand that the help bring you hand-chipped slabs of ice from the Alps and have them carve ice sculptures of the Houston Rockets. After you finish your party/orgy/sacrificial ceremony, order your servants to melt the chocolate in your swimming pool and pay lingerie models to swim in it, like a human fondue.
And that's just three little things that affluent-types can do to make the holidays a less pointless affair. After all, you've worked hard to be the rich dude you are today, and even if you inherited your wealth, it probably means you have superior genes anyway.
(China Daily November 7, 2007)
