Some Chinese people describe their marriage as a "besieged fortress," a phrase that originated in a novel by that name, written by famed author Qian Zhongshu and published in 1947.
More than half a century later, large numbers of couples have boldly broken through the wall of the fortress, divorcing to regain their freedom, only to find themselves besieged instead by frustration, desperation and depression.
Zhou Xuejun endured the toughest period of his life after his seven-year marriage ended in 2002, and that experience has motivated him to set up the country's first website especially for divorcees.
"When my ex-wife collected her belongings and left home, I collapsed psychologically," said Zhou, 38. "Only at that moment did I come to the realization that my home was gone."
Zhou was so depressed after the divorce that he suffered from insomnia. He said his memory was getting worse, and one day in his car, he could not concentrate on driving.
"My ex-wife and I separated peacefully after careful consideration, so I thought I was well prepared for post-divorce life," Zhou said. "But the emotional problems came so abruptly that they nearly beat me down."
What's more, his son at the time was only 4 years old, and it was even more difficult for Zhou to answer his son's questions: "Where is my mum?" and "Why is my mum not with me when I am in trouble in kindergarten?"
When Zhou searched online for information on how to offer guidance to the children in single-parent families, he discovered how little support there was.
"Unlike foreign countries, China has not yet developed a system of social workers who can offer necessary guidance to those who need it, no matter if it's the divorced group or their children," Zhou said.
The only answer, he decided, was to develop a platform that could allow divorcees and single parents to share their experiences, difficulties and frustrations. So, after four months of preparation, Zhou launched a non-profit website, www.re-love.net, last October.
When he wasn't running his trading company, Zhou learned how to maintain the website. As the only administrator, he edited and uploaded the contributions in his spare time, usually having to work until late at night. He also funded the site by himself.
His reward is that the website has had more than 70,000 visitors in the past 10 months and has more than 2,000 registered users, thanks to the links from several of China's leading websites.
In July, Zhou opened a forum on the website that allows interactive communication by the registered users. Currently, he said, about 200 people have registered with the forum and joined the discussions.
Dai Yingpin, a senior psychological consultant, praised Zhou's work. "The website can help ease the pressure of divorce and help divorcees rebuild their confidence," she said.
The website is playing a particularly important role in Shenzhen, a city to which many people come from other parts of China to build better lives. With the divorcees reluctant to talk about divorce and single parenthood with family members who are far away, the forum on Zhou's website guards their privacy as they share their stories, Dai said.
And the forum plays a more vital role as Shenzhen's divorce rate rises. According to official figures, more than 4,600 couples there were divorced in 2004 the last year for which figures are available. This was an increase of 47.4 percent from 2003. Studies show the number will continue to rise in the future by at least additional 1,000 couples a year.
Some of the divorced individuals will blame themselves, Dai said. Those who sought divorces because of their spouses' infidelity will develop extreme indignation and resent all members of the opposite gender, and also some will be very depressed and introverted.
With that in mind, "the issue should receive wider concern from the community since most of the divorcees will suffer psychological problems," Dai said. "Without proper guidance, the failure of their marriages will have a negative impact on the rest of their lives and their children's lives."
With the procedure to get a divorce having been simplified and the cost of getting one relatively low, Chinese society has becomed more tolerant of divorce in the past 10 years. Those two factors plus women's increased ability to gain economic independence work together to push the figures up, Dai said.
Zhou, who launched the www.re-love.net, remarried in January, closed his trading company and got a job in a real estate information firm.
"I used to have a belief that the more money I made, the happier my family would be, which drove me to become a workaholic and neglect the family," Zhou said. "Now I would like more time with my wife and my son."
The divorcees who share their experiences on Zhou's website can be grateful to him, knowing that the reason they have the forum is that he has travelled the path they are currently on.
(China Daily September 1, 2006)
