The Chinese overseas have, overtime, showed resilience in the
relative stability of their marriage compared to the local
population. This fact, born out of the importance placed on the
role of family in immigrant culture, helped combat loneliness and
harness stability for couples within immigrant communities. What is
surprising however is the fact that what was to act as threat to
this stability was not the immigrant culture but the effects of
traditional Chinese culture abroad.
The differences between cultures at home and abroad became clear
recently when American husbands interviewed about their domestic
relationships responded to the question, "If there is conflict
between your parents and your wife, who do you stand by?" stated
that for them it was not difficult to stand by the person most
important to them. "Certainly, by my wife. For a married man, his
wife is the most important person in his life." But, for overseas
Chinese, the picture can look different. The effect of interference
from in-laws means that for a couple who once loved each other,
divorce may be the only option. This is particularly true of the
pressure placed on the family by the husband's father and mother.
The effects on the life of the marriage overseas can be understood
as follows:
First, immigrant Chinese couples learn Western culture and begin to
accept Western ways and behaviour, without consciously realising
that this often goes contrary to the ways that their parents accept
as traditional Chinese.
Second, it is accepted, by the son's parents, that he should bear
responsibility for supporting the family once it is appropriate to
do so. However, the effort this takes on behalf of young couples
can often be overlooked by the son's parents.
Third, nearly all parents, brought overseas to be with their sons,
feel a conflict between their desire for the motherland and their
new environment, and the need to be near their son. In time, the
effect of this causes arguments between parents and son and
domestic disharmony naturally follows.
In
the US, a Chinese president of a prominent life insurance company
remarked on the state of the overseas Chinese marriage: "Over 90
percent of the overseas Chinese families are troubled by the
conflict between mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law to varying
degrees." Yet, a lack of understanding and sympathy on behalf of
other family members can make things even more difficult, leading
in some cases to further poor communication. But it is a known fact
that most Chinese men would not dare talk back to their parents.
According to one wise 60-year-old: "The reason is that parents
rarely see their sons as adult men. The family environment can make
these Chinese men mentally immature."
(China.org.cn by Li Xiao, February 13, 2003)